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Blur Moments
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I'm getting older and much weaker these days. Is it because I'm aging? Na! Too much sedentary life I think. But when I go on duty at the hospital, I get nervous. I palpitate. Sometimes I shiver. I get to see a lot of patients most of the them, dying. Patients who are ran by buses, patients who are bleeding and sometimes patient at the moment dying with unknown causes. Sometimes I feel my energy is being absorbed, transformed and drained. And hope has been nil. I feel ashamed for those doctors who slander dying patients and primed relatives of the lost hope. But sometimes I think otherwise. If I've been touched by this patients, I feel my responsibility becomes much more greater. The load becomes too much. The scenes make me worst and sickened. Decisions must be fast and precise. But even the precise management cannot warrant them a definite healing. Mostly, a gradual lost. I have chosen a path with complicated struggles. In this country with limited resources, my hopes are abaded, sometimes are sufficed but still not enough. I go back to my books and read. But they also do not give definite answers. With a minute of dying comes suffering, not only on the patient's part but also on his love ones. I am struck but I hide it with the mask of consolation. If only you have the power to turn it back even God would reckoned me. Still I don't know, I can not decipher. I see things blur. With these moments, I have to move on. I have to drag my profession and search of things I never trekked. Maybe someday I will see them clearly. Maybe someday, I will be confident enough to enter the hospital premises. And maybe someday I will be more prepared to accept reality.
posted by crbfish20002003 at
3:01 PM
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